Hello to everyone,
I've just found this website today. I was looking for something that I could make a part of my daily existence to hopefully
"reprogram" myself to stop thinking the way I do now. Something inside me is frightened that in doing this I won't be myself
anymore, but I don't know how much longer I will really be able to be this self anyway so perhaps I have nothing to lose.
I've had panic attacks since I was 16 on and off for phases throughout my life (I'm 31 now)... I'm going through a particularly bad phase
now. I DO know that there's a panic site recommended through here as well, but to be honest I feel more depressed than anything else..
I know I want to work on the panic as well, but if anyone wants to let me know if I should do that at the same time as this or wait until
this program is over, that would be great.
My problem in a nutshell is this: I see no reason to be living at this point. I have had a lot of problems in the past (alcohol abuse, domestic
abuse situations, poor self esteem, the panic disorder of course) and I feel somehow like an unclean person if that makes any sense.
I don't believe in God or an afterlife and I wish I did because I sometimes think that would help. I do know that I feel as if just the existence
of some things in the world and the emotions they give me make me feel like I can't exist along side of them. They hurt my "soul". It's
like I can't recover from the ugliness or the sadness of certain things even though they are not currently happening in front of me. I
know these things may be happening to other people around me and that they could happen to me again someday and that is enough
to make me want to turn my back on the world. Also, I know death is coming in the end and it is a hard thing to swallow. I feel that the
more I try to make my peace with the idea of it, the more I resolve that it might as well come sooner than later. I realize this sounds
particularly lazy but I just think that the world has nothing left to offer me....it can change colors or tastes, but in the end those are all finite
and will be exhausted at some point. Philosophically, I don't understand why we are here. I'm so tired to trying to fight it out in my
head to make it better. I've tried a lot of therapy but it just hasn't helped in the end. I kind of feel like I'm ready for the trash heap....
My apologies to any other folks out there having a hard time that may be reading this. I'm not trying to bring any one else down
... I was just hoping that perhaps somebody here had seen somebody else in my position might have some encouragement or insight.
I have some people who do really care about me and the last thing I would want to do is cause them pain...probably the only real reason
I'm hanging in there at this point.... I DO want to try to change myself....It would be so much easier if I could just get a clean start with my
brain - a brand new brain sounds so nice right about now....
Thanks for listening.....I'm starting week one and am planning to follow the exercises....