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This is huge and I doubt my strength

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This is huge and I doubt my strength

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

byblion, I can totally relate to lack of career progression, I lack my dissertation, was working making 4x as much as I am no in terms of salary. And wham, like a knock up side the head, I was unable to work, in bed, not functioning at home, not interacting with anyone except my immediate family. My mother was coming to bring me dinner (so I'd have one meal a day) and making me leave the house with her. She would transport me to dr. appts. etc. I guess her death, was actually the catalyst that got me out of bed, but still I could not work. I year later I took a minimum wage position and the lowest level at a mental health facility (prior to that I was a counselor), I have a bit more than the minimum wage position after starting back to work about a year and a half ago. However, initially, I was only able to work 2 days a week, and from there a progression to working 5 days a week. Reaching this in May this year. Sometimes it is too much, but working at the type of facility that I do, they are quite understanding. I also see a therapist there (but not one I interact with, someone at a different site).

I can also relate to what you said about the "boring" vs. productive times.

No, you are not the only one with depression, but your depression has just as unique characteristics as you are, just like mine has unique characteristics specific to me. It doesn't make it better or worse than anyone elses and despite the fact that others have, we have to accept and work on it (It does get better, with hard work).

Your objective is to help yourself and so is mine, we do that in unique ways...don't feel obligated to type anything other than what YOU need to type. We gain from understanding what you write. Knowing that you can relate to my post, is definitely helpful to me, it helps me know know that I am not alone and reinforces observations about myself. We first must recognize before we can make change. Thanks for helping me.

Keep posting and responding to other posts!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Goofy - what you said about work lessening stress. I 've been surprised to observe, from my activity/mood tracking, that my least depressed times are when I'm at work. But it has to be balanced just right - i.e. I have to be doing something I feel comfortable with, but not so routine that I'm bored. If I have to make a phone call, or go to a meeting, or talk to someone outside the strict parameters of my work, then in pour the stress, headaches and depression again, the old internal dialogue kicks off, and I'm back to square one, just wanting to get home and into bed. And my whole work situation mocks me with my lack of achievement and career progression, which further saps my self-esteem and... well, we all know the score here.

But there are some hours when I'm just busy, and working alone, and fairly confident in what I'm doing, and then I'm not judging myself, but just DOING. Trouble is, there's only a handful of them in a week.

I feel indulgent and arrogant here because I have been posting long I...I...I posts and giving nothing back to anyone. Not yet anyway. I look at the posts, and want to reply and support other people, but don't feel I have the wisdom to help without coming across as trite or insincere. I'm humbled that nobody has yet just told me to shut up, that I'm not the only depressed person in the world.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Reckon it's got anything to do with co-dependency, the reason we are in health care and it's therapeutic. I can always find someone worse off than me, so I don't feel so bad about my situation too. Is that bad?

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hey Goofy,

That's why you're so good at your job and why everyone believes you're next in charge! I agree, work takes away the "I". It also means that I don't have to deal with "I" either. I can and do deal with the problems of others better - why healthcare fits. While there are stresses, I can usually solve them. It is harder to fix me.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom of 3, I liked what you said about "I fest". We keep using I as a pronoun but it is what is causing us the most problem. One of the moderators/health educators asked me what I do to lessen stress in another post. I said work, but I couldn't figure out, though it causes stress in some areas, it seems to lesson stress. I wish I'd read your post first, cause now I understand. It keeps the focus off I, and focusing on "you" and the "you's" I work with does just that - lessens the stress.

You are so insightful!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Byblion,

I like Breanne's last question - What makes you think that you are any more self-indulgent or arrogant than the rest of us? It made me laugh because it's so true!! Read some of my posts!!! It's an "I" fest for sure! We can't get better, challenge ourselves without the "I". It is the "I" that we seek to destroy, but it's the "I" that needs our attention the most. When we share "I" we can also help others who are suffering as we are.

I get not wanting people to know you well. Keeping others at arm's length is safer than allowing them to see our faults or perceived faults. If they don't know they can't judge. Keeping your hobby's to yourself insures that they remain special to you. No one can negate them. I speak not so much about you as me, but it's how we are able to share the feelings and issues we face with this disease. At some point questioning why we do what we do is important. It's called challenging here, which is as good a word as any. We hold to things that aren't necessarily true and make ourselves miserable with them.

You don't need to share anything you're not comfortable with byblion, but we're here and will listen to anything you do want to share.

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1153

Byblion, Well done on taking the first steps to learning more about yourself and your depression. Starting the program is great initiative. Work through it at your own pace and use the tools as frequently as possible to help keep you on track and motivated. The anonymity of the web is a great thing! We are all in the same boat, we all have fears and it can be hard for everyone to open up at times. When or if you are willing to share your hobbies, we would all like to know a little bit more about you.
It sounds to me that you have quite a few hobbies and interests; music, books, films, tv, computer games are all hobbies. For me personally, I enjoy reading, films and music and would call all of them hobbies. You've worked very hard to get yourself a guitar and you should definitely use it! Have you set any goals for yourself? What would a realistic goal be to achieve by the end of the month? What would you like to accomplish by learning the guitar? You've also talked about goals with your writing. You're a fantastic writer. What are some small steps that you could take to get to your goal of being published one day?
"Heavens, look how I've gone on. Self-obsessed, indulgent, arrogant fool that I am." We encourage you to challenge these negative thoughts that you have about yourself. What makes you think that you are any more self-indulgent or arrogant than the rest of us? Brenna, Bilingual Health Educator

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

wildcat!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

'The guitar is not mocking you ... it is squacking is some giberish extra-terrestial sound from a fifth dimension that occationally apprears in your home.'

Love it!

for 16 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

byblion,

you mentioned that you contemplated spending time watching TV, playing Video games, or spending time on the computer. These are all pleasant activites; relaxing and can be hobbies.

My son and husband have created there own little world on the playstation and my daughter is the fan club and sometimes manager...

TV is is a nice activity for us, we often watch "how it is made" together and even Cartoons. It is great for the imagination! And my daughter knows when a winner is declared during a F1 race and the TV is hers. She has no idea who wins only when the race is OVER.

The computer is an antique so it is a source of my husband's greatest headachs. Otherwise it is the computers at work that get my chouette excited

Music is a really great way to express an artistic nature. But I have tried the guitar and to tell you the truth The guitar is not mocking you ... it is squacking is some giberish extra-terrestial sound from a fifth dimension that occationally apprears in your home.

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This is huge and I doubt my strength