Hi Be Positive,
I read your posts and wasn't sure how to approach your situation. I have been having some major issues in my marriage and have been feverishly working on and looking for ways to save it. I think I can identify with some of the things you are going through, although I did not and am not having an affair with another person. I have been depressed since childhood. My depression made me shut down, it is a type of an affair in that it left my marriage emotionally bankrupt because my emotions were too wrapped up otherwise. If you boil it down to emotions the two are not so different. Rose has hit the nail on the head - identify the reason you had your affair, address it, ask forgiveness where needed, then let go of the guilt. It does sound like a "mid life crisis" of sorts but that term is cliche and things happen for different reasons. You will need to identify the why for you. Then you need to use this knowledge to heal yourself.
If your wife knows and is being supportive of you, then count your blessings - she doesn't have to be. An affair is a slap in the face of the person you have committed to, regardless of the reason. Again, identifying the reason will help the two of you work on getting recommitted to each other, working on the issues in your marriage that need attention. Your marriage can be all you ever wanted in a relationship but it takes work and most likely you both stopped working on it. (It is the identification I made in my own marriage. It made it easier to understand why I shut down like I did and also released me of feeling so much guilt because it wasn't all mine)
You have 2 more children than I. Having that many children in all those age ranges can be daunting. Teenagers have thier own blend of problems and you're just getting started. You don't say the sex of your children but my two girls as teenagers made me want to jump off a bridge!!! My younger daughter, mine but not his, caused the bulk of my shut down. She brought impossible situations to my doorstep, exhibits traits that I left her father for because I couldn't handle them. I shut down because while I could divorce her father to get away from these issues, I could not and did not want to do this with my child. Saddness over seeing these issues in my child and not knowing what to do made me unable to deal. It affected my marriage. I love my daughter and finally let go of the reigns, realizing that I can only love her but can't change her. Even if it were for the best. While children can be greatest of joy they are also demanding. They take time away from your adult relationships and are often in the way of romance. If you are this down, no wonder you question your love for them - they have demanded a lot from you! Now the flip side of the coin - they are your children, yours to care for, be demanded upon for their care and upbringing. You are responsible for the fact they are there and are bound to the good and the bad it takes to raise them. Being human you will grow tired of the responsibility of caring for them, but you must teach them to care for themselves. They will likely be their own people and not carbon copies of you and your wife. Ultimately, one day they won't need you anymore and you will (yes, you will) miss their need for you. The most demanding of jobs carry the most rewards.
My oldest daughter is now married and is showing more of my tendancies now than she did growing up. She has become a responsible young lady with a home of her own and our relationship is better now than it has ever been. But it took a lot of perserverence.
I hope this helps BP, my own journey has not been easy, but I am making progress.&nb
