I too have similar symptoms, and I struggle with the guilt of letting my husband down when I don't get through the day by being super productive. If I just sit around, which I do a lot, I feel like I've let him down, and the depression gets worse. I know how it feels.
I don't know where to start with the husband issue. I fell in love with and married a gentle church organist and choir director over 36 years ago. At the time I didn't know I had MDD and an underactive thyroid. But finally, after 10 years of marriage, a son, and many, many cycles of MDD I got my first diagnosis of depression.
I've a lot more to tell you about my husband's struggle to understand my type of depression but I have to go for now.
One thing I have decided is that the bottom line for me is that I love my husband, have seen changes in him despite his refusal to change in couple therapy, and I'm working like hell to tweak my own behavior and respond to him in an assertive and "equal" way. Lots more to tell including finding out about an affair he had over 20 years ago. My depression of course is part and parcel of all this. Send you another message in a day or two.
I am sorry to hear things with your husband are so difficult atm. I wish I had some words of wisom for you but I must admit I have my own marriage woes and am in no place to give ayone council on the subject! Please feel free to vent with us anytime. We are here.
Sounds like a bit of a frustrating situation. It is understandable that your husband is having a hard time accepting what you are going through. He might not want to believe it, and wishes that you were "your old self"? Is this a possibility?
Keep at it CindySue. Try to help your hubby understand.
We are here to help and support you in whatever you need, and many of the members completely understand what you are going through. So...hang in there! You'll get through this.
Had a talk with my husband today, still don't know if I got through to him. Does it even matter? I asked him if the way I am not functioning seems normal to him, and was relieved when he agreed it did not seem normal. I told him that every test for depression I take online says that I AM depressed, but his response was, "I don't know about that." I said, what, do you think I'm just lazy and uncooperative? And he said no, he didn't think I was lazy etc. So it's like, on the one hand he recognizes there is a problem, on the other hand, he doesn't see that there is a problem. I mean I'm sitting there crying telling him I need help and he doesn't get it. I guess he really just doesn't understand depression. Then he see me making an effort (washed dishes, exercised a little this morning) and seems to think that now I'm up and at em and the he starts making all kinds of requests for me to do things and then he gets angry if I don't do it all as quickly as he'd like it done. He doesn't seem to get that I'm trying to take baby steps to get out of this, and just wants me to go full throttle. He even said, 'you used to do...a b and c, why can't you do it now?" HELLO!
Yes it is very scary to me that I've let myself become so reliant on one person. I don't know if I do just need to chuck it all and get out of here. I wanted to try therapy and meds before I throw the baby out with the bathwater, but it is just such a struggle not having any understanding. He actually told me that his friend invited us out to a night of music at a club and my husband turned him down and said "my wife stays at home/she doesn't like cigarette smoke..." WTF? He is saying that he believes I LIKE staying at home and having no life whatsoever???
I hope I was not too agressive in my response... I have lived for so long hiding what I am and being what others wanted that today I know the harm I did to myself.
I am fearful for those who put themself at risk. You are far from home with limited resources. You do not have a system of emotional support so you depend on one person. It is a precaricous situation and one where you can be abused... so I am very!! very !!! happy you will find an english GP to speak to!
CindySue, Welcome back though I am sorry your situation has worsened to warrant your needing to come back.
I don't have any advice in terms of your spousal issues. I'm not married and don't plan to be (lol, I do good to take care of myself - hate to have a husband to deal with).
Even though I've got no advice, I am here to support you. It does sound like you are making strides from your first post. I hope that you continue to "make" yourself get out, if just for a walk. Exercise does help depression even if only for a block. I am glad you are going to find a doctor. If you think you need some help then by all means get it. I've got a saying "if I don't have my health then I don't have anything". I probably stole it from someone but can't remember who to give credit to. What it means to me, is if I don't take care of me, than anything after that which may be important to me is "gone". So my health is my priority so that I may enjoy all those other things that rank high on my list of important are hanging around and I'm interacting with them. Also, it means I'm able to be responsible (take care of my own business).
I understand where you are coming from in remember "how we used to be". I try not to dwell on it. I have to accept me for who I am today. I would if things were for the better, I must accept the good with the bad. I struggle with this one.
I hope to hear back from you in other posts. Keep on writing....it helps too.
It sounds like you are really taking control of your situation and what can be done to make things better for yourself. It can be difficult to help other people understand what you are experiencing. Perhaps this is also something a GP could talk to you about. He or she may also be able to offer you other resources and information on how to talk to your husband.
Members, any advice for CindySue on how to talk to her husband about her experiences?
Thanks for your reply. I did the things I had planned to do and it was alright, it was also our first sunny day in a long time so it was nice to get some sunshine. Because it was a nice day though it was EXTREMELY crowded in the city center which to me is very unpleasant so I got out of there ASAP. I did however pick up a nice book to read.
I am thinking since I feel overwhelmed at the task of finding a psychiatrist/therapist I will instead go to an English-speaking General Practitioner (thanks Wildcat for the idea), that should be easier to find, to try to get a prescription for antidepressants. Yes I would love to get through this without taking any meds but right now I just really need some kind of help, I am really not functioning in spite of my best intentions.
It's tough not having any support or understanding about this from my husband, part of me wonders if he'd prefer I stayed depressed so that way I just stay home all of the time. In fact when I went out to the city center the other day he acted like he was upset that I was going out without him, WTF? I told him I didn't even want to go but I was doing it to try to improve my mood so I would appreciate his support. Jeez.
Your plan for today sounds great, how did it go? About your negative thought (being a weight on your husband), challenge it and determine realistically if it holds any truth. Try answering some of these 10 questions:
1. Is it "true"?
2. How do I know it’s true?
3. Is it 100% true? (remember something that is 75% or 99% true is
not 100% true)
4. What's the evidence for it being true?
5. What’s the evidence against it being true?
6. Has it ever happened before?
7. What's different now?
8. If it were true, how bad would it really be?
9. What's the worst thing that could happen?
10. If the worst thing happened, how bad would it really be?
Please feel free to add any tips or strategies you find helpful when trying to challenge your negative thoughts.
I hope this activity makes you feel better. Please remember that having depression is not your fault.
We are here to support you . Hear back from you soon.
You'll get through this.
