hi eliza, you DO NOT sound crazy. you sound depressed. and right now so am i. I did the doctor thing yesterday at the clinic and psychiatric hospital. and i have to go back on apr 30. you know, I have wonderful children, a supportive and loving husband and this illness is what gets in the way. i feel alone and isolated in the middle of my chaotic life. Only i am at my "almost" fourth episode so I know that I have bad thinking habits... I "all or nothing" all the time. i also do the "negative self". and my favorite is the "catastrophizing". I have done the cbt here which is noce in the written format - I am one of the visual people. I also do cbt stuff with my therapist and she challenges my erronious logic so I get back on healthy - positive thinking patterns. you know you have a lot of stress right now and , often, that is a big trigger for the energy drain. You really need to look into healing yourself a bit and then putting energy into the relationship... a good place to start is a bit of pampering, if going out to do your nails is tough ... what about inviting a friend over and doing each other's nails? and spring is a nice time to try a new hair colour (i went into a flashy red!)... or a nice daily soak in a spa? here in Quebec a 45 minute ride brings us to a lot of nice country places with hot tubs outside and turkish baths and saunas for 35$ a day... paradise! ... I am going to see a spirit-reader in a few weeks to get some new ideas! and my husband is into screaching hochey sons with our son for their fun...

Eliza, You don't sound nuts at all. Let me ask you, what was it that you were doing when you felt you best? Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

Hi Wildcat, I did great last week, I went out to lunch on my own, went to bible study, grocery shopping and therapy and then everything went wrong at the weekend and now this week I am feeling scared and shaky again. I was on such a high last week and feeling so positive and almost back to myself. Today I spent the morning in bed watching tv, not wanting to get up and start the work I have to do. I promised I would do it this afternoon, but instead have done everything but. I keep thinking if only my boyfriend who I live with would just tell me he loves me again the way he used to, I would feel okay again. Everything would be great. Who am I kidding. I feel so alone, hell I don't even want to be with me at times. I keep getting wedding stuff sent to me even though I am trying to get off the mailing lists. My wedding dress is hanging in the closet of his mum's house and I am dreading September when we should of been getting married. He is a great guy, he is supportive and caring and we are "working" on the relationship but I am just so afraid. My therapist said I need to work on me and not worry about him and the relationship or where it might or might not go, but some days it is so hard. Does anyone else have to almost force themselves to take their medication? I have to constantly remind myself to take my zoloft. I haven't started the program yet either. I just feel so lazy but unable to want to do things that I used to enjoy. The thought of sitting and getting my nails done fills me with dread. Sheesh how nuts do I sound? I've told a few close friends that I am suffering from depression and panic attacks and they have been great about it. I even told my sister in law today, but asked her to keep it to herself, but hey my family don't talk to each other anyway since they imploded at Christmas. Anyway thanks for listening. How are you doing? I read you do origami thats fantastic. I try and crochet. I started an afghan and I must of gone astray somewhere as it is coming out a weird shape...oh well its unique! Eliza

hi eliza, you seem to have made some very good goals for the week. and if you have had panic attacks in the past it is normal to feel the anxiety rise when you need to deal with the uncontroled outside world. I have had the same problem! I have had a lot of help from my group at phobies-zero to become less sensitive to the triggers. so Keep Up The GREAT work!!! you CAN do IT!!! the cbt programme does work. it is what most therapists work with... only they tailor it for each individual - so rather than seeing 10 different thought / thinking errors you might review your worst 3.... if you do pleasurable things in a week then you will focus on thinking about the positive on each activity rather than working on motivation, and positive thinking... You are not weak, nor a faileur, nor a loser. You have an illness. It is just as serious as diabetes, high blood pressure, or epilepsy. I know no one -now- who would say to a diabetic "it's your fault for eating sugar, just cut it out and you will be fine." Okay for both of us diet is important to a good healthy body but a diabetic can't regulate their carb-burn and we depressives can't regulate our body chemisty. The problem with illnesses that touch the brain's chemistry is that they are so unknown and have hundred's of years of taboo, stigma and prejudice attached to them. Spring is a tough time for us. Not to be negative, but the numbers are there. So, knowing that you need to be less hard with yourself. It is the first positive step you need to take. You have given all your strenght and energy to battling the worst of your symptomes all winter all alone. Now that spring is back, you need to recuperate from that enormous expenditure. Remember anxiety is a GREAT stress and stress damages the physical body! this is your time to heal! is you had bruises and stitches you would be careful - same wth anxiety and depression. The second step in the positive is to pamper yourself. And expensif peppermint foot-cream ?? A bath / spa ritual with foam or bathmilk?? a hobby? exercise routein? trips to the library? Do the things that you used to enjoy and forgot how they brought you a smile and a sence of well-being. AND VENT it all out... Let Go of all the nasty stuff inside. Talk of all this stuff to the therapist and continue to let it out with us... we all have been on the depression road ... some are in a center lane, some are on the sidewalk, and some of us are tiptoeing on the median... but we are all right there with you!

Thanks Ava, Wildcat & Sylvie for your words of encouragement. I went to counselling yesterday. The sun was shining and I was feeling up beat and positive, today althought the sun is shining I feel less so. I feel a little anxious and lonely. My parents called me yesterday which is rare and that was really nice, still nothing from my brother and sister. My boyfriend is working away from home and I just heard he probably won't be back until after the weekend. I fully understand he has to as he has a project on which needs to be completed and owning his own small company means he has to be there, but it doesn't help with the feeling of loneliness, however sometimes I feel lonely even when he is here. Like I am floating in space and there is no life line to grab on to, no home base. While he is away this week I have set myself some goals. I have arranged for a trainer to come over tomorrow and help me train my dog to walk properly (his pulling is terrible and makes walking him horrible, when I have the energy to walk him) so I hope I can do it without cancelling on her. I am going to try and go get my nails manicured and go to the counsellor again on Friday. These past couple of months I make plans and then I keep cancelling them because I start to have anxiety as soon as I make the plans and hang up the phone. I hate this. But at least the trainer is someone I know and is coming to my house. I work from home and have work to do, but I can't seem to focus on it at the moment. I keep putting it off. Also, I haven't started the course yet. I read the information for day 1 and 2 but haven't done the homework. Does it work? will it help? I have never been good at keeping a journal or anything like that and I guess I am afraid someone will see it. I was worried about typing on this board in case someone recognized me from what I typed. I know I should not be embarressed or ashamed, but I feel like a failure that I am weak somehow because I let myself get depressed. I look at everyone around me smiling, happy getting on with their lives and I think why can't I do that anymore? I guess I am rambling, but I needed to get this off my chest. Eliza

Eliza: I've had exactly the same thoughts you've had. Hell I've had most of them today. I don't know the answer to the questions you're asking but you're not the only one asking themselves those questions, that's for sure. If you can't get out to your appointments, is there something else you feel comfortable doing? Even a short walk in the fresh air can help I found. Make it as short as you feel comfortable with. Even getting a good look out your front door might be a start. The folks here all understand how big a hurdle some of these things can be. Ava

eliza , sometimes we do things that only seem like an oxymoron... but cancelling seems all together normal. depression sucks all the energy from our lives, and there is nothing left for normal... and motivation is flushed down that same black hole. part of anxiety is that grasping for control so when you mentioned that you are having panic attacks and your self-worth is so low, I really do understand... you are in a precarious situation waiting for the man in your life to decide what he wants. you are far from your family -in emotions and bonds- and you have a world of questions with a whole bunch of negative answers that only hurt more and more as you search for that meaning... i have always wondered why my parents only wanted me as a trophy in their 16 year custody battle. why could they not love me when I "wasn't theirs"... what was nmy genetic flaw that made me an unloveable baby and an unworthy adult... and I found some of my answers that have to do with them and not me ... only recently... i have discovered some ways of thinking in a better / positive way that pushes my mind beyond the negative interior-fault-finding. eliza, come as often as you need and perhaps the gang of us will inspire you and co-miserate, and even find some way to offer some help.

Eliza, You're not alone and people do love you. Let me ask you, what is it that's making you unhappy? What would it take to make you happy? Have you started working through the program yet? Don't forget, knowledge is power! Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

I am such a mess right now. I feel so down, dark and alone. Why is it nobody loves me. I used to think I was lovable...my family don't want me, my first husband was abusive, my second husband decided after 5 years of marriage he didn't love me and now my now ex-fiance boyfriend doesn't love me. I have not many friends and the couple I have I have not been able to see as I have been suffering panic attacks. I feel so lonely, depressed and miserable. I'm not suicidal, but remember the film the Matrix where the guy says if you take this pill it will all change for you and if you take the other pill you will go on with your life, well I wish someone would give me a pill that would just take away the pain, the hurt, the fear, the memories. I wish we came with reset buttons. If anyone is out there, I could do with some support. I am sorry for bothering you but I have no one else to talk to. I have counselling tomorrow, I cancelled it on Friday as I was to depressed to go...doesn't that sound stupid.

I feel so terribly alone