Hi Wishingwell, I just wanted to join your fellow members in sending you good thoughts and hope that you are able to check in with us soon. Take care, Casey __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hey wishingwell, Just know we are all thinking about you and wishing you well. ;p It does get better, honestly. I think though that you are going to have to find the root of your problem and deal with it. I also think you already know what the root is and you just have to face it and decide how to deal with it. I believe that deep down we all know what our individual problems are but it is so hard to face we decide it's easier to hide. One thing that seems to cross my mind alot lately is "life is short". I don't want to look back on my life (because I do intend to be VERY OLD one day) and say I should have..., I wish I had..., why didn't I...? I don't want to have regrets. Life truly is short, how do you want to spend it? Take care and know we are here for you.

Wishingwell: Are you okay? I haven't been to this site in a while - had a temporary reprive from my depression, but now its coming back again. Sorry to hear about your hospitalization - especially since it was involuntary. Hope you are doing better.

Welcome back Wishingwell im sorry that times are tough for you at the moment but you will get through this im sure :) As for the program i stopped doing it a while ago when i was feeling better but i am going to start it again and keep working on it even when i feel like im ok. I hope things get better for you real soon.Your in my thoughts.Gabbi.

Hi Gabbi, If your wondering why it took me so long to respond to your message from 2/4/06 to 2/22/06 is because I was hospitalized involunatarily two times during this period and this is my first week back home. Things have been pretty scary and rough for everyone and I am taking additional time off from work like my psychiatrist thinks I need. I hope you are doing well, I haven't had much time to catch up with all the posts yet. Maybe you already finished the program for all I know. I just hated to see that you responded to me and that I did not get the chance to respond back. The same day you post I was hospitalized. Hope to hear from you soon and take care Wishingwell

Gabbi, I step away from whoever it is I feel like I'm going to lash out on. I take a few DEEP breaths and then tell myself Sarah its not them, its your depression and anxiety and I dont want to take it out on them. Try practicing breathing.. it seems to help a lot. You need to physically sort of leave yourself and take a look at the situation from a totally different view, sort of like your looking down on it. Try and relax a little bit and talk calmly. Good luck!

Hey Wishingwell how are you doing today?I read through some of your posts and they hit pretty close to home.I have the same thoughts and fears as you regarding your husband and i wish i could help you,i could tell you a thousand different things but ultimately its you who has to do it and believe me i know just how difficult that can be.My psychologist has not in as many words told me i need to leave though he suggests it frequently we have disscussed it in great length and even though i know i should i just dont feel strong enough to do it though he tells me that eventually i will decide that enough is enough and make the move.My problem is after going for a couple of months fighting and so on my hubby then decides that he is sorry and trys to 'make it up to me' so he is very helpful for a week or so then he starts going back to what he was doing before drinking excessively,lying to me,gambling,verbally abusing me the list just goes on so the circle turns and i just put up with it.I wish i had the solution for us both.I want you to know im here for you please take care.Gabbi.

Hi CVM, Thanks for responding, I just returned from my therapy appt and I am feeling real down, very slow in moving, talking, like in slow motion state. We discussed my marriage and have not gone into which choices I will choose for myself and my son. When I said my spouse was not abusive now, it's because 12 years ago when we were just living together, he would get very drunk, mean and verbally & emotionally abusive. My respone to him drinking would start escalating into pushing me and destroying our property. This did scare me tremendously, and I did leave, but he went for therapy so I came back and we got married a few years later. He seemed to change dramatically, but all his old ways of dealing with stress has resurfaced. He is not drinking or using any drugs, but he acts just like his mother who is very abusive both verbally and emotionally whenever she visits. If I should see this escalating again like before, I will leave immediately and take my son too. Right now I am at work, so I hope no one can tell it's me online. I would definitely lose my job. You truly have been so active with returning and responding to everyone who posts almost, and I'm sure you have been very helpful just to know someone out is LISTENING. So I thank you so much. If the outside of my body could show what the inside feels like, but cannot express, I would be crying uncontrollably right now. But I can't seem to cry anymore. I feel numb and thinking about my future seems very bleak right now. I hope I can oneday see what you see and feel again, to have someone who thinks I am special and can love me with their whole heart and soul. I would have so much love to return, and friendship, but I do not think this is possible as I don't have the courage to start anew. At least not now I don't. I can't even think about the next week or even tomorrow. However, please don't give up on us out here who can't seem to find our way or our place in life. All of you who do respond do make a difference, even if it may not seem that way to others, a part of what everyone says does sink in somewhere. Take care CVM and thanks again for everything.

Hi WishingWell: You said you would leave your husband if the abuse progressed to violence "again"? Does that mean he has already hit you? Like Rayne said, I am not here to try and change your mind about decisions you need to make for yourself, but I was in the same boat as both of you and I chose the route that Rayne did. I had a husband who came from a very emotionally abusive home and who could be the meanest, ugliest person I have ever met. He didn't show me much love, was very critical and emotionally abusive. Although I didn't consider myself to be in a physically abusive relationship (most of the physical stuff didn't amount to more than him pushing me or throwing things at me) there were times I was afraid of him...that is until I became so depressed that I hardly cared if he ended up killing me someday in a fit of anger or not. I became a very angry person in the process - I could barely have a conversation with another person without losing my temper. Like everyone else here, I was embarassed at my behavior and pushed a good amount of people away from me because I was so nasty. I was becoming exactly like the thing that I hated. Your husband is not likely going to change - so I guess you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life letting him hurt you. I was married for 10 years - finally left to save myself - I decided it was better to be alone than to be abused. Now he and I are very good friends- largely because we can interact with each other without hurting each other. He actually has become a better person since our divorce, although he still continues to struggle with the anger he has from childhood. Being alone is awful like you said - I still get very depressed and wonder if I'll ever be able to make a relationship with a man work long term, but the anger is gone...just something to think about.

Hi Rayne, Thanks for your post and taking time out to reply. I didn't go online yesterday. I know what you are saying makes sense as I said my marriage is in trouble. It hasn't progressed to physical abuse and I would immediately leave if that did ever happen again. He is just sort of ignorant when it comes to expressing himself or communicating to someone in a positive manner. He is very critical and shows hardly no emotional caring or love at all. I guess I am in the anger stage when something bad happens that's one of the stages people tend to go through before they can heal. I have tried to ignore it, talk and reason with him, but this was how he was raised and he would probably have to be brain washed to change. I just feel so unloved, lonely and miserable, but I am not afraid of him. I know the decision is mine, but I don't think I can go through a divorce and start a new life. Hopefully he will go to counseling that works and make some changes on his own. My depression started to become unbearable it seems like overnight,but I know it started many years of living like this. Even when we spend time together as a family, I can sense that we both are unhappy and would rather be alone. This is what saddens me the most that I wasted all these years in a loveless marriage. You give me hope though as I know you must have suffered greatly when your marriage was at the worst and you made the decision to leave. We all have to make difficult choices, I just don't feel strong enough now to make any major decisions. I too have been caught up in a whirlwind of despair over situations out of my control for over 3 weeks untill I started taking medications. Thanks again Rayne for your concern and input and I wish you the best.